There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
