fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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