i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
