just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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