We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
