i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
