Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize