I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
