I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
