Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
