My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
