Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
