I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
