First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
