I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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