There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
