Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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