i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
