All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
