conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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