I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
