3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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