i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
