maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This is my gift to your gina
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
