She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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