Where is the hickey?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
