He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just forgot I was standing up.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
