I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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