He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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