I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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