shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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