Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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