you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
