he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
