im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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