Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
And then he peed in my hair
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