When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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