So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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