I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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