i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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