we have pet lesbian snakes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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