You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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