You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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