I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
