Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
