i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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