Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
