In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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