I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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