Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
