Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
