Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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