Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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