i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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