Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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