Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
