if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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