Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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