Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
