Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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