people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
