I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
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