worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
