He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
