beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
