He is such a slut. More and more my type.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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