If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
