the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
