Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
