Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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