Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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